Archie (Dad/Father to John and I):
A cross between Humpty Dumpty and Santa Clause is what you get when you look at my old man. Although, he seems to grump a lot more now than he used to, and his teeth clack every time he chews, he is the kind of man that would give you the shirt off his back. His life’s tale cannot be summed up in a paragraph… or even an essay. His stories are interwoven with elaborated truths and far fetched lies. However, the truth does appear like fabrications. He did once attack a bear to save my mom and me, and he also rescued me from a kidnapper. You have to bump that record needle to get those stories moving again from time to time. Some phrases he hears all the time now are:
“Go to bed old man!”
“I think you need one of those piss jars from the hospital…”
“Can I have some money, dear?”
Natasha (Mom/Mother to Ed, Al, and I):
So what does a Russian do when they don’t like vodka? They fill the void with another addiction… gambling. Oh, and cigarettes. This woman has the personality of a Bulldog. She is short in stature with broad upper shoulders and chest. She has a smaller behind with a strong stride. Her personality is that of any other Dragon slash Leo… too proud to fight because she’s always right anyway. I forgot to mention that she makes up the stories as she goes along… definitely keeps life far from being mundane. I say, get the duck tape out.
Erasmo (ED or JR/Buddha/Father of Mike, Amber, Daniel/Brother):
He is an alcoholic on a break. No, he didn’t give up the juice, just has no funds to pay for the substance. He had a wife and three children, but they are past peoples to him now. He lacks luster for life, and refuses to take care of himself and get a J-O-B. He is one hell of a mechanic… one hell of a drunk… one hell of a caring person. It’s just swimming through that sea of booze to get to the soul inside. Quote I dedicate, “Slow down there sailor, you got a lot of water left to cross.” And as a side hobby of choice: sleeping.
Alonso (AL/Moody Moose Buttons/Father of Twins, Jake, Hannah/Brother):
Al must have done something wrong in ALL his past lives. He’s a walking number thirteen, with the numbers engraved on his forehead. Every car he’s owned has came mentally prepared to be scrap metal. Martyrs of cars… giving their lives, so another, may live to see a carwash. They might as well of issued the car a tombstone the minute they sold it to AL. Hell, even one of my vehicles and his old ladys’ vehicle got it. However, he is lucky in some ways. He did survive a motorcycle accident that left his lung sticking out of his chest cavity. Damn lucky he is. Damn lucky, he’s able to use his arm. Not lucky for you though… if you get caught in the swing of it.
Johnny (Big John/Father of Mike & Kristine/Brother):
He is a land developer that watches Sunday mass on the tube. He can find meaning in a piece of paper falling off the fridge. He’s huge into conspiracies. The whole world is out to get him for one reason or another. But, if that’s a disease, then the whole family of Tisdell’s has it. He’s had a gun held to his head and has walked out without a scratch. He is strong by nature, and leader by nurture. By the way, he looks like a man who should be in an eighties porn.
Cyndi (Johns’ Wife/Mother of Cassidy & Kelly/Sister):
She has mastered the art of con. This woman can talk even your college philosophers into circles. She’s a city slicker of sorts, still working out how to make that country gals’ shoes fit. Damn tight shoe… still not a perfect fit. Her life, lead up to this now dull roar, has been nothing but a spectacular one. However, stories still run deep. Like the chickens, that once occupied the back yard, that she wouldn’t let me eat, had started to disappear one by one. Hawks, she said… hawks are the culprits. Then she retired the remainder of those lumps of feathers to a friend. Hawks says she, wolves say I. Wolves like chickens. She is a wolf… in lamb chops outfit!
Cassidy (Cass/Cyndi’s second girl/Niece):
Cass’s perspective insists that the beer is always more than half full… both those beers that she’s double fisting. If that tree isn’t producing lemons, she’s heading it to South Carolina to get her a Palmetto tree that will produce coconuts. Two coconuts as a matter of fact… adorable fruit, I might add. Both seeds of a good looking hillbilly, she grabbed from the boonies of that white lightning state. Yup, two seeds from the summer loving underneath that moonshine, then bootlegged it back up to the north.
Kelly (Kellyna/Cyndi’s first girl/Niece):
One thing can be said for sure about this one… she has always had her own mind, whether it’s against the stream or not. If you’re giving this lady fried chicken, better make sure it’s soul food, and made of the dark meat.
Kristine (Beaner/Johns girl/Niece):
She is the epitome of a soccer mom, without the soccer. This lady seems to never be caught without gram crackers. She should write a how to book on her success of juggling two kids, a job, and friends, single handed. Thus far she is the most successful out of all of us spawn. Congrats!
Mike (Michaela/Johns boy/Nephew):
There once was a boy named Michael. He pissed on trees both real and plastic. He lived in a man cave, with a toilet behind a gun shelf. When feeling festive he drank firewater to go on spirit journeys. One journey his spirit animal came to him in the form of Evil Kanival. Evil Kanival said, “Mike, do as I have done before you.” Mike replied, “Well sure!” to the invisible entity. He jumped on his snow gliding motored horse, and attempted what was asked of him. Maybe it wasn’t such a successful landing, but it was an accomplished task. He then retreated back to the man cave. Yup, the world is Michaels’ oyster.
Jaycob (Jake/Als son):
This ball of sunshine once took a shit in a skate bowl, and wiped his ass clean with an abandoned sweatshirt. He has nothing but smiles and smart-ass quips. With a Bob Marley outlook on life, he breathes light into the sky. His enjoyed activities are: smoking the devils lettuce and chillaxing with friends.
Alexis & Kerrin (The Girls/Twins/Al’s kids):
Cute and energetic, these youngens are little punk rocker, skater girls. I want to steal their style. Breed in the city of Bullhead Arizona, these girls have had their brains wired by the bazaar heat. Temps where you can fry an egg on the road, have to affect the brain juices on that frontal lobe. These little typhoons are insane’nium in the cranium, no doubt. Bombarded with new arrived lady lumps, the Twins are having less time for Dad, and more time for hush, hush, boyfriends.
Hannah (Hannah Bo’Nanana/Al’s little one)
Hannah is an instigator, with a grin as innocent as an alligators. She’s in heart breaking 101. Someone also needs to get this girl a wad of paper… and a pen, because her lies have no bounds. With the stories that spill out of her lips, you can’t trust if it’s truth or fiction. A sentence she once said to my ex while I was in the other room was, “Quick! Give me a kiss! We won’t tell Sasha!”
Michael (Mike/Ed’s first son):
This is a master of dry humor. Just call him Master Shake from that Aqua Teen Hunger Force cartoon. As a sly trickster, he once went into a party and left with a twelve pack tucked away in his pants… unseen to the naked eye. Now that’s true talent.
Amber (Berry/Ed’s girl):
Amber is a holder of all artistic talents. If it’s a type of art she’s the one who has it mastered. She’s also gifted with a strong will, and an enthusiastic beating heart. I don’t feel her dreams are as large as they should be.
Daniel (Danny/Ed’s second son):
This kid will grow up to be the world next game inventor, or tester. Danny is very quick when it comes to technology and learning. I just hope he embraces this gift, since its one most boys wish they had.
Amy (Ed’s ex Wife):
Her skill should not have gone to waste like it has. She is a master chef that should be at a university over seas learning fine cuisine. She is also very skilled in nature, and direction. She should be a park ranger by day and a leader of the skillet by night.
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